My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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