I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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