bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
false alarm, still single
Randomize
