I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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