Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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