Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
