im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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