remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
