We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
