I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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