I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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