If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
