when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
