I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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