if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
