So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
