I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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