i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
