she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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