You work out of a Hotel?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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