Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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