How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
