i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
