They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
