I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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