tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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