You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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