Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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