Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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