Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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