Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
