Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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