we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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