Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she woke up with a sticky ear
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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