Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
