I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
