She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
