I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
