we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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