Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
