I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
