1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
