Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Church boner. Awkwardddd
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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