omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
