Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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