atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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