my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
