I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
