Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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