took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
