Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
