apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
