I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
