Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
