You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
