My room smells like vodka and shame
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
