So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
