I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
