I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize