What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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