Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
