my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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